Harry Potter Comedy! Have fun!

Chapter 5

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cover created by Kyra Shirley

~~~Prologue~~~

Voldemort marched purposefully through the small town with a nervous Death Eater by his side “Are you sure we should be doing this, my lord?” she asked tentatively, shaking from the top of her head, to the tips of toes.

 “Yes.” Voldemort said coldly. They stopped at the house. The Death Eater rang the doorbell.

 “Who is it?” A voice called out. “Uh, the pizza guy!” she yelled. “My lord, i don't know about thi-” 

She started, but stopped when the guy inside (James) said, “You know, I love it when you guys put pineapple on my pizza.” The Death Eater’s eyes narrowed. When he opened the door, still talking, “Pineapple and mustard pizza just taste so good” she glared at James, and said, “Avada Kedavra!” the man crumpled. She found Lily upstairs, Voldemort following her. “DO YOU LIKE PINEAPPLE ON YOUR PIZZAS?” she demanded, her wand in Lily’s face “Uh, no,” Lily said nervously. The Death Eater lowered her wand. “I saw her put ketchup in her hot chocolate.” Voldemort whispered. The Death Eater’s eyes narrowed. A few minutes later, they were standing by the crib “i don't know how i feel about killing a baby” she said nervously. Then she saw something “they have a nimbus 1000?!?! Cool!” as she picked it up, the end smacked voldemort in the face. “Oh, I'm sorry” she squeaked. Voldemort raised his wand, seething with anger. The baby grabbed his leg, and Voldemort lost his balance and fell out the 2nd floor window. “Uh-oh” she said. “Maybe he's alive?” Voldemort landed on a gas tank. It exploded. The house blew apart. She looked at the baby. He clapped his hands and laughed. “MUAHAHAHA.” The Death Eater looked kinda scared. However,  she pulled out a marker. "Hold still, kid.” She drew a lighting shape. “Now no one will ever know.”

~~~Present Day~~~

Harry sighed as Aunt Petunia jumped on the stairs, which made a very loud sound. “UP! UP! It's Dudley's birthday, mind you, and everything needs to be perfect! UP! U-OOOOWWWW!!” she had fallen off the stairs and landed on her face. “OW OW OW OW OW!OOOOWWWW!” Harry opened the door and saw Aunt Petunia holding her nose. He stifled a laugh. Her eyes narrowed. “You think this is funny?” She held up a frying pan. Harry ran for it. She chased him around the neighborhood, screaming at the top of her lungs, frequently falling on her face.

He ran inside, and collided with Dudley, his massive cousin. Dudley was so big that when they collided, Harry felt like he was hitting a pillow. “HEY! Watch it!” Dudley said indignantly. Harry looked up at Dudley, “Did you know you look like a pig?” 

Dudley leered. “Did you know you look like a stick?”

 He picked Harry up and threw him out the 2 story window. “OW! DUDLEY!!!!” Then, randomly, Dudley tripped, falling out the window, unfortunately on top of Harry. “OW!”

~~~The Letters~~~

The mail arrived. “Dudley, go get it,” Uncle Vernon said.

 “Make Harry get it,” Dudley countered back.
“Harry, get the mail.” 

“Make Dudley get it,” Harry screamed, not wanting to head all the way to the door. Uncle Vernon shot Harry a look. Next thing he knew, he was being hurled through the hall. “OKAY, OKAY!” he said, grabbing the mail. Bills…bills….birthday card for Dudley….bills…..and… a letter with his name. He handed Uncle Vernon the mail  and went to the living room to open his letter

 “What's that?” Aunt Petunia asked sharply.

 “It's mine.” Harry said. Uncle Vernon snatched it from his hands. “Hey!” Harry protested. Uncle Vernon's face went purple when he read it. But as he tried to show Aunt Petunia, he tripped, causing the letter to land in the fire, then caught his mustache on fire. He yelled, waving his arms madly in the air, running around the house. Dudley ran into the house with a hose, coating Uncle Vernon in water. Aunt Petunia wailed at the sight of her clean, sparkly house. Flooded. At dinner, Uncle Vernon announced Harry could have Dudley's spare room. Dudley threw a tantrum, throwing tons of things out the window, like his turtle, air rifle, Harry, his bike, his computer, Harry, etc.the next day, as Harry was lying gloomily in bed, he heard a scream. He fell out of bed so suddenly he broke the floor, falling through it to land rigorously onto the living room floor. “OUCH!” Aunt Petunia screamed even louder. Letters were everywhere. They were streaming from the chimney, and headed for….. Harry. He ran for it, but the letters chased him through the house, and then Harry heard Uncle Vernon. “AHA!” Harry turned around, and dove for safety. Uncle Vernon turned on the flamethrower, laughing menacingly. He waved it around, burning the letters, and setting the house on fire.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Happy Birthday, Harry!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry was sitting on the rotting floor, in shock. So many letters had been coming - they even needed to move to a cottage on the rocks out at sea. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were acting crazy. Like the letters were evil. Okay, maybe one or two letters had started screaming at him…. but still. He wanted to read those letters so bad. Dudley's snores were shaking the cottage, quite literally. Harry got up, walked over to Dudley, and threw a pillow over his face, muffling his snores. Harry looked at Dudley's watch. 

He was officially 11!

 Suddenly, someone started banging on the door. “Lemme in! It's rainin’ hippogriffs out here! What's takin’ so….oops,” he had knocked down the door. Harry stared in shock. He was massive. Dudley was awake now, and terrified. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia burst into the room, while one of them gripped tightly onto a gun.
“Get out! I'm not about to be mugged by someone so fat they can't see the floor!!!” Uncle Vernon ordered. 

The man looked mildly offended. “Shut up, Dursley, ya great prune. Thats comin’ from someone whose son broke the couch.” He then took the gun from Uncle Vernon, and twisted it. He then handed it back. Uncle Vernon was in utter amazement, muttering something that sounded like, “Mimblewimble.” 

The man looked down at Harry, who backed away. “Hello, Harry,” he said, his eyes twinkling. “Last time I saw yer, you were the size of my hand! Oh, I should introduce meself. I'm Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys, and groundskeeper at Hogwarts. Of course, you'll know all about Hogwarts.” Harry was perplexed. Hogwarts? Huh? His aunt and uncle were flapping their arms, as if trying to shush Hagrid. Hagrid looked stunned. “Don't tell me yer never heard of HOGWARTS.” 

Harry looked at him, “Is that some kind of disease where you get warts from hogs?” 

“NO! It's a school!”

“Do they teach you how to give hogs warts?” 

Hagrid looked perplexed. “No! It's where you learn magic and stuff.” 

“SHUT IT SHUT IT SHUT IT!” Uncle Vernon yelled, panicked. 

Hagrid looked sharply at him. “I'm talking, you can speak when I am finished” Uncle Vernon looked speechless. “Anyhow, yer parents learned there. All the good ones did.”

 “My parents? They died. They fell off a cliff and got poisoned by weasels. Then hippos ate them.” Hagrid looked stunned for a moment, then sat on the couch, scaring Dudley, who went, “AHHHHHHHHH!” and ran from the room with his arms in the air. The couch groaned under his weight and a small “pfft!” came from Hagrids behind. His face turned red for a second before regaining his composure.

 “S’cuse me. ANYWAY, moving on…..” 

Uncle Vernon interrupted again. “I'M NOT PAYING FOR AN OLD GEEZER WITH A BRAIN FILLED WITH POOP TO TEACH HIM HOW TO BLOW UP MY HOUSE!” 

Hagrid's face turned red as he slowly rose from the couch. He drew a pink umbrella and waved it around. “NEVER……INSULT…….ALBUS……DUMBLEDORE….IN FRONT…..O……ME!!!!” He pointed it at Dudley, and a scream filled the air as Hagrid laughed. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

 Dudley had turned pink, beefy, with a snout and a tail. “oin-SCREEEEAAAAAM!” Dudley was now more pig than human. Harry laughed so hard he fell over. *dramatic music*
“Harry, your parents  were a witch and wizard. They were murdered by V o l d e m o r t. Trying to save YOU, and you killed ‘im. No one knows how. That’s what makes you a miracle. You, Harry Potter, are a wizard.”

AUTHOR: LANI HALUKI
EDITOR & PROOFREADER: KYRA SHIRLEY