The Daily Prophet - FOOD SECTION, 08/24

Chapter 1

"WIZARDING DINER" By Kelly Morrissey Our London readers may be familiar with a particular restaurant for wizards, just in the corner leading to Diagon Alley. Wizarding Diner is described by its owner as a "project of passion" and "an expression of love in the form of cooking". Opened by the relatively infamous witch Helen Joanne Black, the restaurant holds a distinct reputation for following in the cook/owner/manager's tradition of being an eccentric, dirty and badly groomed place. Now, before you judge this critic for telling you the harsh truth, allow me to recount my experiences with Ms. Black's diner. First of all, do not let the outside appeareance fool you. Invisible to Muggles, the restaurant is a sight to behold from outside. Beautifully painted walls, subtle signs and colors that certainly work up an appetite. Windows from which you can see both the Muggle streets and Diagon Alley, and a door that probably swallows up the majority of Ms. Black's budget. The thing is cleaner than the insides, that's for sure! Upon entering, I was assaulted by the characteristic smell that survivors of meals from the Diner claim come from the foul, revolting inner workings of the place. Ms. Black was also not what I expected from a chef. Dirty, wearing whatever clothes she had found, probably, and had the audacity to greet me with a smile and a wave while looking like a literal hag. I would not be surprised if her meat was made from children. Or from her past husbands. She had a lot. Ms. Black is infamous both for this eccentric behaviour and the fact that she can't keep her passion projects in check. Our more attentive readers will remember the Fire Crab sanctuary she had attempted to create is now a hunting ground for the poachers she so passionately blamed for the crab's near extinction. And let us not forget that Gringotts Bank still suffers whilst trying to eliminate her invention of "Charge bucks", a phony currency she tried to use to replace wizarding money. For this reason, I was not surprised to see how neglected the diner was. No other costumers aside from this brave reporter dared face the hellish cooking of Ms. Black. I decided to play it safe and asked for a glass of water with one of her sandwiches. I received a loaf of bread with water poured over it. This was a "combo" designed to make me pay more. She was extremely proud of this culinary masterpiece, and I should have left right there. I didn't. I could have accepted that the wet bread I was just served would be the best thing I'd eat in this crazy woman's parlor, but I had to indulge in one of her most famous creations. I asked for one of her famous meat pies. Famous for all the wrong reasons. Dear readers, I dare you to think of the most revolting thing you can. Reach into your memory. Remember when you were face-to-face with an Acromantula. When you fell on a pile of Dragon dung or been bitten by a gnome. Attempt to remind yourself of a house elf attempting to roast itself because it tripped. I assure you these disgusting situations are nothing compared to the utter nightmare that stood in front of me. The smell was enough to make me gag, but I ate anyway. I have never felt such a terrible taste in my entire life. I was positive that Ms. Black was smiling happily as I vomited awkwardly onto the nearby bin. Like she wished to humiliate me. I left as soon as possible, despite her offers to make it up to me. This isn't even a restaurant, it's a torture chamber. Utterly revolting, dirty, and overall terrible experience. Steer clear of the Wizarding Diner.