5 Stages of Grief

Chapter 21

These past 4 weeks have been....well shit. My mom says i'm going through the 5 stages of grief when it comes to my best guy friend.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Stage 1) Denial, yes. 100% i so so so hoped that he didn't make that choice to be friends with him.

Stage 2) Anger, yes. It was 50/50 i was mad at him and at myself i screamed so many times in frustration. I sent this to my best friend Lizzy, when i was in the thick of it.:

" i am sick and tired of loosing friends. im sick of letting people in and them stabbing me in the god damn back. I tell people my secrets, spend so much time with them, and I trust them. then they just walk out of my life and leave me alone even though they say they will never leave me. im so fucking sick of it. not to mention getting let down and hurt every god damn time I let someone in, that shit I'm so fucking exhausted of. When people ask me if im ok yes im fine. because how do I tell people I feel angry, lost, lonely, betrayed, unloved, abandoned, confused, worthless, defeated, like im a fucking failure, depressed, unhappy, trapped, broken, and used. without scaring people. I just want a break and to be happy for a period of time."

Stage 3) Bargaining...yes I kept reaching out when i knew he wan't going to answer.

Stage 4) Depression. Yes 1000000%, i would just look at him and start crying, i went home after school and would just cry.

Stage 5) Acceptance.....as much as i hate to say it... i'm on this stage. But i realized that I'm ready to move on. So for the best guy friend who's reading this here's your letter:

I can't believe you. you were my best friend you meant the world to me. You were the one person in my life I used to tell everything. the person that knew everything about me and my life. No matter what you stayed at my side and I stayed at yours. how do you think I felt when you stopped talking to me. when I saw you start hanging out with my ex? I'll tell you, my whole fucking world fell apart. I didn't know what to do with myself. i was lost. I couldn't believe how you could do that after everything. After six fucking years of friendship. you made me believe you cared. you made me believe you were going to be there for me. the funniest thing is i dont even know why. I don't know why i let myself believe that you actually genuinely cared for me. i mean damn I fucking loved you. I loved you with every piece of myself. I cared so much about you to the point were I developed fucking feelings. Hell I tried not to. I mean I backed off. I forced myself to lose feelings for you because I wanted to keep you in my life, even if that meant just being friends. I wanted to keep you in my life so fucking bad I was willing to watch you fall for some other girl just so that I didn't lose you. I mean damn I was willing to push the feeling of betrayal,anger and hurt away because you didn't tell me about her. What you don't understand is that i was willing to watch you be with someone else to keep us from drifting apart. but you still left. You left to be friends with him. You left after everything I told you about the relationship with my ex. After what you saw it did to me. after how broken you saw I was after it. after my super bad depression freshman year. you just left. you left to be friends with him. someone you told me multiple times was not a good person and a asshole. someone you said I needed to forget and move on from, because he was toxic. Even after everything you said how could you? if we truly were "best friends" how could you just become friends with him. I don't get it. But you know what hurts the most? What hurts the most is there is not a single day that goes past where I don't think about you. about us. about what we used to be. You brought the happiness out. a side I had never seen so much of before. You made me the happiest person in the whole world. You were the best friend I had never had, the person I cared for more than anyone else in the world. the one friendship I was really proud of when before all the friends I had were shit. I know we had our difference, but at the end of the day I knew deep down in my heart no matter what happened or where life took us we would get through it. You and me against the world together. I guess I was wrong. which fucking sucks. But what's sucks even more is I'm struggling. I'm struggling because every time I see your name, or I see you or even think about you my heart drops. I want to cry, I want to take myself back to the time where everything was fine. But i cant. I know we will NEVER be the same again. You hurt me... and I don't trust you anymore. One day you will miss me. You will miss my stupid photos, my random phone calls, and all my random ass questions. I love you...and I always will love you but you lost me. when u come looking for me I won't be there anymore. I will miss you. I'll miss you so fucking much. But i recognize you aren't worth my time anymore.

~ Ari